My PTSD Bread

Thanks for your kind comments Danni,  I hope your friend finds resources and support in his struggle with PTSD.  As to your questions...I am usually happy to get 20 -25% rise during the bulk fermentation and then adjust the final proof accordingly; most of my bread seems to be best with about 20% bulk rise and a 10 hour cold proof (so with a 1 hour autolyse, 4 hour bulk, 1/2 hour bench rest and 10 hour cold proof it's about a 15 1/2 hour process); the porridge weight is the cooked weight with the breakdown being very inexact as I tend these days to mad-scientist the concoction!  For this bake I used 150 g hulless oats, 75 g steel cut oats, 50 g cracked flax seeds cooked into a loose porridge; I ended up adding about 50 g oat flakes to tighten up the porridge before adding it to the bread dough.  After mixing in the porridge I estimate the FDH was about 82% by feel, not exact measurement.  Oh, and the hulless oats were whole, not cracked...I like the chewy texture of the cooked grain in the bread. 

Thanks for your kind comments.  I have not tried adding the porridge during the autolyse but wonder what if any effect it might have?  Don't be intimidated by the hydration, you're a pretty intuitive and skilled baker so it shouldn't be a problem for you to go by feel; I suggest mixing a lower hydration dough for the autolyse and then adding the porridge and adjusting the FDH as you do the stretch/folds. I like to keep the porridge bread FDH about 82% starting with an autolyse dough hydration at 75% and then adding a loose porridge after the second series of stretch/folds.  This is just the way I do it but not something etched in stone as the only way...check out the many other TFL porridge breads too.  Looking forward to your porridge bread bake!

Dab, I have much respect for those that serve and I hope you have found some peace over the past 45 years. What you describe, the way you were treated and disrespected has changed somewhat over the years but sadly, veterans are still suffering and traumatized long after coming out of the war zones. Whether or not the war was just or right, being spit on for serving honourably with regard to the duty required of you, for seeking to serve and protect the very freedoms enjoyed by those so disrespecting you...that's just wrong. People often tell me I knew what I was signing up for so I should stop complaining about the PTSD,  that I shouldn't expect special treatment for doing my job.  And being laughed at and ostracized by your own, that is particularly hurtful.  The only ones that  really understand, that can relate to what's going on inside you are your comrades, those that served with you. It's a lonely business when friends, family, government ignore, deny, cannot understand that PTSD is an operational injury that will destroy and kill you as surely as any physical trauma; despair, guilt, loss of hope, moral injury, suicide are how one bleeds out from PTSD wounds.  So take care of yourself, bake some PTSD therapy bread, have some of that good food you enjoy and spend time in the company of your friends and family Dab...thank you too for your service.  

I appreciate your comments and encouragement, thank you so much!  

Thanks Ru.  The morning light has signified the arrival of new hope for many people, the passing of another dark night. But for those that suffer, have been injured by PSTD, the challenge is getting through the darkness. In his book,"Waiting For First Light, My Ongoing Battle With PTSD", Romeo Dalliaire shares his personal struggle with the ongoing effects of his experience in Rwanda as the UN Force Commander during the genocide and civil war in that country.  Waiting for first light, for the hope of a new morning, he says, " ...I have kept mostly private the effects of the moral injuries/PTSD on my mind, my body, my soul. Until now.  Telling my story in its entirety for the first time, I began a cycle that will continue throughout my life; reliving the pain by telling the story, an action that attenuates the pain, which then returns upon the telling and must be relived to be relieved. Telling others, teaching others by sharing our stories relieves us, temporarily, from our suffering; full recovery is impossible and lasting serenity will forever evade me."  So with that, I thank you for listening to me and allowing me to share a little bit and in the process, as Dallaire says, gain a measure of relief, respite.  Happy baking to you too Ru!

Even in the veiled anonymity of these TFL blogs there is a sense of personal community, support and general respect for shared experiences...thanks for taking a moment to read my post Pul and for your kind comments!

Exactly that, very well said...sustaining, healthful and beautiful, in one of the oldest traditions of humankind.  Thanks Tom!

Oh Leslie, you may not think you are good with words but your posts are beautiful and speak eloquently of your joy in bread baking.  You made me smile with your response to a comment I made on your last post - you said "I just love baking" and in that, I understood what you mean about achieving a great deal of peace from your bread baking. I get that. So thank you for that little bit of brightness and for so eloquently sharing your bread baking experiences!  

I think so Stuart, it's certainly why I bake bread so often...not for the bread primarily, but for the process.  It is an "acceptable" way to spend time alone by myself, the routine of preparing the dough and loaves occupying just enough of my attention to keep me in the moment; this is the meditative nature of bread baking that others have commented on too, focused in the moment there is not so much room for the dark stuff.  And Stuart, weeping without reason...there IS a reason, a reason that has deep roots in the trauma, the moral injury. The moral injuries that accompany the traumatic events leading to PTSD are difficult to explain/understand - internal grief and conflict arising from an assault on one's conscience, moral/ethical underpinnings,faith, basic human decency.  For me, it manifests in every day life as anger, weepy sorrow, antisocial behaviour, pessimism. In a clinical setting this is often attributed to a PTSD event but not the moral injury. I believe the actual traumatic event may well be proven in fact with dates, times, locations, event descriptions but the moral injuries - they are dynamic, fluid, unique to each of us.  I hear that life can be good too, well-intentioned and ignorant people tell me I just have to " ...move on, get over it, that was years ago". What they don't understand is that even though the moral wounds associated with operational injuries/PTSD are not physical or visible they are manifest in very real physical, mental, spiritual damage. Just as surely as bleeding to death from a physical wound, the loss of hope, loneliness, relentless despair, suicide are how we bleed out and die from a moral injury.  You don't just "get over it" but you can bake some bread!

Thank you for your wishes Kat, that's what I would like - to be well and in a place where I feel whole again.  It's seems a bit odd perhaps to experience a bit of that in an anonymous bread blog community but as you have said, so many beautiful words here already...I am humbled by the generosity of TFL kindred spirits in allowing me to share and connect.  

Hi Yipee,

Thanks for your encouragement.  I agree with your comment about physical and mental fitness, it  too is my "drug" of choice when I need to come off the edge and get away from the noise in my head. For me, the solitary pursuit of things like running, kata, playing music, baking bread...they bring me some solace in the moments of crisis because my body and mind are occupied together in a singular focus instead of being overwhelmed by the discordant, rancorous chaos of the PTSD.  

I think it's been said by other TFLers... the meditative and calming process of baking bread is one of the wonderful things we can do that is good for the spirit and has a great side benefit, the finished bread, that nourishes the body.  Thank you for your kind comments and I would happily share a taste with you if I could!

For this bake I used 150 g hulless oats, 75 g steel cut oats, 50 g cracked flax seeds, enough water to cover them and adding more as needed while cooking into a loose porridge; I ended up adding about 50 g oat flakes to tighten up the porridge before adding it to the bread dough.  I find making a porridge for adding to bread dough, whether with oat flakes, seeds or a mix thereof,  the important point is to think ahead as to how the porridge will effect the overall dough hydration and feel.  In this case, after mixing in the porridge I estimate the FDH was about 82% by feel, not exact measurement.  I suggest mixing a lower hydration dough for the autolyse and then adding the porridge and adjusting the FDH as you do the stretch/folds; that way you can make adjustments while developing the dough for variations in porridge consistency and thus not have to worry too much about exact measurements when cooking the porridge. If using an oat flake soaker, I usually measure my oats into a stainless steel bowl or pot and add enough boiling water to just cover them and let them sit covered for an hour; for cracked grains/seeds I let them sit overnight, sometimes adding a little starter (after the water has cooled) to ferment them a bit too.  I like to keep the porridge bread FDH about 82% starting with an autolyse dough hydration at 75% and then adding a loose porridge after the second series of stretch/folds. This is just the way I do it but not something etched in stone as the only way...check out the many other TFL porridge breads too.  I hope this is helpful for you...thanks for asking!